Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
