New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
