Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
