i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
