I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Randomize
