He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
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He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
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Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
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