Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
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