I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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