dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
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Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
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