sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
