You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
