So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
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we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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