you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
