Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
