it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
being pregnant is like rehab
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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