just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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