Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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