This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
