Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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