Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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