there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
