I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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