Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
