My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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