if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
