Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
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The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
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I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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