I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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