He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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