The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
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There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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