1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
