Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
