all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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