Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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