i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
