you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize