one two three fourrrrnication!
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
