I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
