I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Randomize
