My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
