apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
