somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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