Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
