I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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