he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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