Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
