I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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