It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
