make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
