I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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