she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
