Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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