Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
