my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
