all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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