I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
