I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
