I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
