"it" just moved
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I think I died a long time ago.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
