I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
